Exquisite Imperfections

Life seems more like a dream lately then life. I am not sure if that is a survival mechanism or not. I have a number of things I seem to be struggling with right now. It is a good thing that the girls have gone to their father’s house for the month. At least that gives me some time to process everything and start on a fresh note with them.

My first issue deals with the different behaviors of people in regards to Poppa’s death. I am trying to understand why people act the way they do. The facade that they know him when they do not kind of makes it tough for me to be around certain individuals. I worry about two family members trying to get something or anything from Poppa’s death without concern or regard to my Mom or Poppa’s wishes. They are evidently all about themselves and their gain. Its so strange they can be that way and have the same blood moving through their viens. Out of the three blood members, one seemingly does try to defend or protect my Mom from the others. Problem is her heart is so sensitive and tender they run her over if she is in the way. Either she goes with them or they tromp all over her. Its sad to watch.

I am not sure what, if anything I can do in this situation. Seemingly the only thing I can do is be there for my Mom and limit the information I share with people a great deal. Seems like they are all wanting to know her business, be in her business and make her choices for her. But then again, this is what people do when they are seeking things for themselves. The more control they have, the more gain they can get. Fortunately my mom is not the scared, timid widow crying all day and night in angst. My mom is sad. Her best friend, companion, lover, husband and buddie passed away. She does cry. However, she does live life. This is what he would have her do. Live life to the fullest everyday. Even if you do not feel like it.

My next biggie issue is my husband. Yes out of no where he is back in the close radar of my life again. He came to church last sunday and once again gave his life to the Lord. I knew in an instant who it was when the Pastor asked if he meant it. I know everyone is accepting and celebratory of him doing this, however, we have been here before many times. We will see what the truth is over the coming months. I am sad to say that I do not believe him. I think its a ploy to come back, spread venom and deceive everyone again. Now he can defame me right in front of my face, spread rumors or put thoughts into people’s heads.

I should not be so cynical. I certainly won’t get through this one without God’s help. That is most certain. We watched a memorial pictorial dvd of Poppa the church made. I was sitting between my sister and my brother. My brother is not blood, is not related. He is a man my Poppa took under his wing, witnessed to and has tried to mentor. I was holding both of their hands and crying through the dvd. I so miss Poppa. My husband sitting across the room was scowling at my brother. During worship, Amazing Grace played. This is the song Poppa left this earth as we sang it. I started singing that song because it was quiet in the room, everyone was staring at Poppa and he was laboring. This song is special to the both of us. During worship I grabbed my brother and sisters hands and sang, tears rolling down my cheeks. My husband scowling away at my brother.

This man has been absent for two years from my life almost. His whispers to other people about me, making their way back. I have endured two years of finding out here and there the interesting untrue statements he has made about me. His attempts were to slander my name as if we were in a competition over which friend would be on which side. He does a convincing work up.

The thing he does not realize is that those who know me best, understand what I am doing and why I am doing it. He is trying to give them the idea that I am not who or what I say. The problem is, I don’t really say…I typically do. He is the first to share whatever he has discovered about me with select people.

So now here I am faced with this man coming to church every Sunday. Being at the same church functions and dealing with the constant scowls and bitter silence. I can handle the silence. I won’t walk over and say Hi. I can manage to stay in my little corner. But in a small church, there will be a time where he will have to talk to me. I do not look forward to being attacked, yelled at or intimidated in any manner. The scowls are uncomfortable enough and are intimidating. I would consider going to another church, but that would break my mother’s heart. So I feel trapped in an agonizing spot. Sunday suddenly turns from being the sanctuary to the snake pit. Fortunately, I know God can meet me in either place.

I am not sure about things. I am not comfortable with life right now. I miss Poppa desperately. This is the time I need him most. Ironically, both situations are created out of his passing away. I would get angry, but I can not. I know where he is and I know he is enjoying that place in heaven he worked out through his salvation. I am sad. I am scared at the loss of his covering. A manless house is a difficult one.

I am not sure………

Yesterday night we had the funeral and memorial service for Poppa. I was hoping that this would help my mind grasp the fact that he is no longer here. It is strange but it is almost like my mind wants to believe he just took a long trip and he will be back walking through that door. I saw him pass away. I was there. I watched as his body and health decayed. I was there. This event did not solidify in my mind that he is gone.

I do know that he is gone. I just can not bring myself to really accept the fact. I did not think I would have this much trouble with this. Poppa’s service was in the evening. We arrived early and my sisters had set up the easles with the picture boards showing the different events over the entire course of his life. His sister had put in some pictures of Poppa as a little boy. We had pretty much his entire span of life there. We even had pictures of him with the oxygen in his nose as he drove his little tractor/lawn mower around the yard carting his two youngest grandchildren.

We knew a lot of people would show up. I was expecting the two rooms to be full. However, I was not expecting a full hour and a half line of people. I was told that the line went out the building and down the street to the end of the road. There were so many people. I don’t know for sure how many different fire houses were represented. Someone told me that they knew of three. I think there was more though. People who worked with him, people who had worked for him, people who he had done things for, spoken to briefly but touched them in a big way. Lots of people.

My husband (seperated from since 9/6/06) showed up. He scowled at me, but he was very nice to my mom. That is all that matters. Poppa was his friend before we were married. Yes and his friend after we seperated. I know that Poppa had touched him as well and it blessed me that he did come and pay his respects to Poppa and the family. The scowl could have stayed home, but otherwise that was good.

I saw family I had not seen in years. I am talking almost twenty years. Some people were laughing and talking peacefully. Others were a wreck, distraught and in tears. I was numb for the most part. What pulled me back to feeling was something I could not believe. I was amazed. My department came out to give me support, pay respects and tell me they were sorry. My CEO and CFO came by to do the same thing as well. I was extremely surprised. My company sent flowers, which my mom had displayed. I just could not believe it.

I can not say I have a lot of experience with death. I do not. All my grandparents had passed away years back. I was only able to travel home to attend one of the three’s funeral services. I know some other family members have passed away and I can not remember if I was even there or not. But never had I had a group of people come by and give me that love and support. It was not fake, it was not a facade. It was genuine, honest and sweet. It was overwhelming in a good way.

Poppa had asked that one of the pastors of our church preach at his service. He stated to her if he had to sit and endure all of this, he at least wanted a sermon on salvation preached at his service. His life was about Christ’s mercy, grace, love and forgiveness. His life was one of intense blessings and the number of people he touched in the span of his life in the manner he did was incredible. My Poppa was truly a man of God, a blessed man and one who is now singing in heaven.

I am not sure how to handle or deal with all the thoughts, emotions or things popping into and out of my head. Poppa was not in my house everyday. I was over his and moms house anywhere from once to three or four times a week depending on what needed to be done or needed to happen.

It seems like yesterday he went into the hospital the first time. It was not even two months ago. It is kind of strange to me how fast things happen sometimes and the affects of those happenings. Some ravage and feel like destruction. Some sooth and bring about a calm. Others are numbing. I wonder to myself if he was proud of me in some way, any way. I know he loved me.

Each of us daughters are imperfect, broken in a way. The youngest is unable to see past herself and see the people, needs and situations around her and how they affect those people. One of the middle ones is in many ways unsure of herself on one hand and too sure of herself on the other hand. Her patience is incredible though. The other middle one is skilled in the matters of the mind and this is where she has her college education, however, sometimes the tough love is the most difficult for her to display when it comes to family. Then there is me, the oldest. The true black sheep of the family. An ex dancer, crazy sensual looks and the teasing flirtatious behavior to match it.

I think each one of us brought our father much pain and hurt as he thought about us and if we would be okay when he passed on. We still very much need our father. There are hurts from old family issues that have yet to be resolved. I wonder if those will be dealt with over time or will they be ignored. I wonder if we will truly be sisters or if we each will go our own way and do our own thing.

I am sad, but relieved that Poppa is no longer suffering. I could see in his eyes with each visit the suffering not just of the body but of the mind. He was alone with his thoughts. He could not convey those to us. All he could convey was simple things. He was completely sane through all of it, right to the end. I can only imagine how difficult that had to be. It actually horrifies me.

These days are now filled with the business aspects of death. Arrangements, services, guests and people. The healing won’t start until life resumes into the new normalcy Poppa’s absense will bring us. The greatest impact on my mother. Each moment is lost. When I walk into their house and his voice isn’t there. His tv shows are not on and we don’t joke about the big fish. Those past moments are memories. No new ones can be created. We are now at a time where moments can be lost.

It was a day that remains clear in my mind, yet surrounded by a shroud of fog at the same time. I was getting ready for work and my sister called to have me something to the hospital because it was forgotten. When I had arrived my Mom and sister were sitting outside the door of the lobby outside of the Critical Care unit.

Mom told me that when they walked in to visit with Poppa, he was sitting up just like we normally do. It was like he was healed and getting better. Mom told him what she was told. He is on 100% oxygen on the ventilator. This is life support. Actually it is considered life support at 50%. She told Poppa she could not make this choice for him.

The doctor came and talked with Poppa and then with Mom. Poppa told the doctor to remove the tubes. Poppa was fully aware and sane. He felt everything that was going on as much as the pain drugs allowed him the ability to feel. He knew each moment how he was doing. He chose to leave rather then sit in his bed, suffer and struggle in pain.

After talking with mom and my sister, I left for work to take care of a few things. My sister didn’t want me to leave because she and mom were at each others buttons. (lool). I told her I had to go to work, but I would find some time to come back.

I arrive at work to our department and side of the building not having network access, internet access or email. I could not function or work on any of the tasks I needed to get done. I bounced around to get some information for a co-worker from my email, as the other half of the building had access. After that I asked my boss if I could go back to the hospital and that they call me when the network server goes up for us. He let me go.

I arrive at the hospital and there is my sister sitting with our cousin. Much of the family is sitting in the waiting room. My sister tells me I can go in and that Mom is there already. I dropped my purse and belongings on the ground near my sister and go inside. Mom was there holding Poppa’s hand, his best friend and our Pastor was on the other side of him holding his other hand. The Pastor’s wife (and one of our Pastors as well) was behind her husband. His sister was near my mom and I stood behind my mom. He was getting morphine to prepare him for the tubes being removed. He was not feeling well at all. He had pain in his heart. The morphine was slowly taking affect.

We sang songs and that seemed to keep him calm and soothe his soul during this time. I couldn’t always keep singing as all of a sudden the only song that remained in my mind was Amazing Grace. The Pastor’s wife was singing old hymns that I know Poppa knew and could take comfort in hearing. I followed along the best I could, but many of them I just simply could not remember. My mind was lost. I left the room after a while.

One of my sisters arrived with her friend and she and my other sister went in, dragging the friend along. Giggles! This friend is very close. They stayed in there with everyone until the doctors kicked everyone out to remove the tube. There we sat for a little bit. Waiting.

They called us all in and we said our hellos so Poppa could know who was there. He held moms hand and our Pastors hand. The tube was out and he was struggling to breathe. He looked at mom, squeezed her hand and turned and looked at his friend, our Pastor. I didn’t know what to do. I stood there scared and though I was surrounded by family, I felt lost and alone. The words to Amazing Grace burned in my mind and I couldn’t help it. I couldn’t stop it. I started to sing and everyone joined in the song. Poppa calmed down and relaxed, his eyes rolled up and he drew his last breathes.

One of my sisters touched his cheek and slowly felt his face helping him to close his eyes. He had closed them partially. We stood around his body, knowing he had passed, still holding on and massaging him. His body functions starting to shut down. We saw him gasp, his tongue rolled out of his mouth as we heard the sound of a body struggling to take in air. I thank God he was already gone for this part.

He passed away at 11:30 am deceased from this ungodly dangerous cancer. He was only 63 years old. One of the great men that walked earth and lived for God was gone, leaving us behind to make our attempts to honor our father and ironically honor our God. That is Poppa’s wish that we be family together under Christ. That we live Christ everyday.

Poppa didn’t preach Christ in every moment. He was there to make a strong impact on everyone. He gave freely of himself to anyone, even those he was not partial to. He would tell me that you do not have to like someone to love them. The respect among many communities for him still remains. He was well loved and many people were brought to their knees in prayer. Even those that did not believe.

I am sure at some point I will talk about my feelings, but I am not ready just yet. I need to get past this week and its events. Once mom starts to get passed things that need to be done, then I can relax. I know that sounds funny, but it is the way it is at this moment.

I simply miss my Poppa and would trade just about anything for one more moment with him. Right now my mind does not accept that he is gone, even despite the fact that I witnessed it.

The day has passed and we are into the night. I have too many things to accomplish at work and my home life is caving in on me. The bank card for my account was declined at a restaurant so I wrote a check instead. I go to the banks webpage and lo and behold I can not even access a balance. Its last day is the end of May. O.o There is a lovely we are sorry we can not show you any information at this time message.

Now I am wondering if something hit my account that should not have, if there is an issue at all or what is going on. I went to Moms house after work and let Leo out to do his thing. Washed the only bowl that was sitting in the sink and put it away. Found Mom’s doctor in the paper with a huge announcement of their move and new phone number. I know Mom asked me to look her information up the other day and could not get through. Now we know why. I took two phone calls looking for information on Poppa. One from a gentlemen that belongs to the firehouse and one from my brother. I must say I welcomed the call from my brother.

I have words floating through my brain constantly now. I am at the point I want to scream and cry. I can not get a handle on anything. I feel lost, overwhelmed and stressed. Normally I am under stress, but I dont feel it. Today I definitely feel it. I know this is a passing stage.

I was hoping to see Mom when I went to her house. I was actually very bummed out that she was not there. I delayed going home to see if she would come back, but she didn’t. Funny it looked like her keys were on the table. It was really strange. But no one was home except Leo. I left her a message on her cell phone and one on my sisters. Both of them are not answering.

I can only hope that either they are just sitting there in the hospital or Mom actually was allowed to see Poppa. I know the nurses and doctors took that away from him because he was exhausting himself and not breathing because he was so stressed. I hope he is okay. I hope he knows he is loved.

I hate this. I really hate it. I can barely manage life on my own as it is. Poppa I wish you knew how much I need you right this moment to tell me what it is that I am suppose to do or how I am to behave. We never covered this situation. This is one we never discussed. There are elements here we never talked about at all. My only recourse is to pray, because no one I have spoken to has the answers. Not that I have spoken to many people, but the few that are close to me have not a clue. I just don’t know anymore what I should do.

I feel like a terrible daughter. I am wondering constantly if Mom is upset with me or if Poppa is upset with me. Am I doing the right things? Am I taking care of them in the way they need? Have I overstepped any boundaries I should not have? I know what I was asked to do. I can only do so much and the rest falls back on them. Until they take an action I am at a standstill in the tasks they asked me to do, so I do the little things, like taking care of Leo or washing dishes or sweeping the floor.

I wish there was someone out there in the vast blogosphere reading this that has been here before and could tell me what they wish they did, how they would handle things now that they know what they know. Its such a lonely and harsh world sometimes.

I had promised Poppa I would come see him this afternoon. Instead I ended up with a surprise visit from my Mom and one of my sisters. Mom arrived there and was told that no one could visit with him. Then they said they would allow only Mom.

Poppa was so stressed out from all the visitors, all day long, non stop. The doctors and nurses said no more. This is truly sad because everyone was told, five minutes for your visit and that is all. Apparently not only were visits longer then five minutes, but frequently throughout the day. Our family is going to kill him out of lack of consideration to his needs.

I know that is harsh to say, however, the lack of consideration or thought to his well being, his needs and his desires is truly missing. They can look at me and say well you visited too. My reply, “Yes I did! Once a day, for a few minutes. Enough for him to know I love him. Enough for him to promise me he would try and rest through the evenings. Enough for me to sing to him.” It might sound like a lot, but its only a few minutes. Its not a long conversation. The man can not talk. Sure he can write, but it exhausts him. I want him to save that for when he really needs to communicate. Those moments when he is uncomfortable, needs something or needs someone.

I am so angry I can scream. He is sitting in that bed medicated because last night he was so stressed out he could not breathe through the ventilator. His throat closed up around it and the muscles cut it off as he sat with worry. I know he was sitting there crying. He couldn’t control it. He was watching the news and tracking the storm. One of my sisters and her mom (Poppa’s ex-wife) were driving down the coastline to their home. A five hour drive. They told him it was pouring outside before they left and not to worry. What the hell is wrong with these people!!!

I am sorry, but I am tired of the selfishness that abounds here. Do a few good deeds and say what a good christian am I, just so you can say those words and feel good about yourself. However, don’t dare to truly take a look at how utterly selfish and inconsiderate you are to your father.

Then I hear about a couple of things that truly anger me right to the core. Things family should not want to do to one another or consider doing to one another. I fully expect as soon as Poppa passes that a portion of this side of the family will be circling around my parents house demanding things from my Mom. They feel entitled to his belongings because of their relationship to him. Oh my dear Lord, please do some quick work here and stop the ravaging.

My heart sinks when I think that Poppa’s own blood takes actions to dishonor his name and do his heart such harm. He loves them. He loves my Mom too. He loves me. His wish is that Mom will be safe, loved and well taken care of and provided for after he passes. His ex-wife already will receive his full pension. Us daughters should not receive money or funding. We are all grown and on our own. He doesn’t need to provide for us. He doesn’t feel the need to provide for us. He however does feel the need to provide for my Mom. She receives nothing from his retirement. She receives the debt from the medical bills, the debt from their lives together. She is left with the bills and less then half the income to pay for those bills.

How utterly insensitive these people are to his wishes, his desire and to his heart. They know he worries about them, so they want to ensure he knows that they will be driving in a storm. One texts messages while she is driving and the other can’t see at night when she drives. Great combination. What purpose would they have to tell him about the storm? Why couldn’t they just simply say their goodbyes, tell him they love him and will be back in a few weeks to see him and then be off on their merry way?

I know Mom doesn’t want us girls to fight with each other. However, at this point in time, I have had quite enough. I am willing to be the daughter they do not like. I love Poppa with all I am. He is the most important man in my world. I will make sure Mom is provided for as he asked me to do and I will protect their belongings from any vulture that starts circling while waiting for the prey to die. Yes I know that sounds harsh too, but this is what it feels like I am dealing with.

If he wants them to have something, I am sure he has specified it. I am not going to let Mom hand over everything they own to some inconsiderate, unloving and ingrateful woman who has not figured out how to grow up quite yet, simply because she wants it. She needs to learn that the love from her father isn’t found in an object, isn’t located in some money and does not dwell in material things. That is left in the memories they have shared together and deep within the heart. I understand an attachment to things that bring about childhood memories. However, even in our grief we all need to remember that everyone has an attachment to possibly the same things associated with special memories of their own. Not having those items does not remove the memories from ones mind or heart.

It is sad that you would fight over these objects, plan out what objects you want to demand or ask for even before that loved one passes. If you can not find the memories in your mind and heart the most precious gifts, if you can not remember the lessons taught, the laughter had, the fights, the tears, the joy - the life lived together to be the most valued, no object truly holds any meaning except for its financial value to you. That is terribly sad.

I am sorry. I am venting. Sometimes I just want to scream, yell and punch something. Sometimes the anger wells within me, because I just do not understand others behaviors or why they desire the things they do. I don’t get into torture of another being’s soul.

I pray that Poppa is resting well, is comfortable and will be able to visit with his family again soon. I pray that he knows we love him dearly and its his well being that matters most to us. I pray that he knows God has all of his worries and fears covered. There is no reason to fret, to worry or to wonder. I understand though he can’t help it. I would be too. This point in time he is at is to me what hell on earth is like. Incapacitaed to the point you can not do anything but sit there and think, worry, fear, cry and wonder.

Sometimes I just can not handle the family my dear Poppa has blessed me with. I hope and pray that somehow wisdom falls upon all of us, the same wisdom with the sole purpose of making Poppa’s last days joyful, loving and a blessing.

Today was somewhat difficult. I expect the days to be so for a while. Maybe that is wrong of me, however, at this point I know we are not waking up from this. No one is going to tell me that it isn’t happening and that it was all a bad dream.

My youngest sister and her mom left today. They left my mom a boxing glove to wack my other sister with some friendly love. LOL! Makes me glad I am over here. :p It was sweet of them. Sometimes in days like this there needs to be a little bit of fun.

I stopped and picked up grinders for the girls on the way to my parents house. Just in case, I picked up some extra and left them there. I don’t know what time they will be getting home or if they would be hungry or not. At least there is something there and it doesn’t need to be prepared if they are hungry.

Leo went out twice. The first time was the piddle session and a run back into the house to be with his peoples. He has been alone more often with Poppa in the hospital. He doesn’t ask for a lot of attention, but he just wants to be around the people that are there. Going to the bathroom typically is a lone activity. The second time I took him for a walk around the yard. That always helps him out. He trots along, waggin his tail and marks his yard appropriately. LOL! At least this way I can be sure he has done all of his duties, he has fun, he gets some exercise and we both get some fresh air. It works.

I brought grinders and left them on the counter. I wasn’t sure if mom and my sis would be hungry or if they would go to dinner. Come to find out, they were hungry and my sis was really happy to see a grinder. LOL!

Poppa is doing better, although it was a rough morning for him. He is trying to breathe through his nose. That is a good thing, tho there is not a lot of air passing through his nose. I do not know if that is because of the ventilator or if its because of his condition. The thing is, he is trying. Hope is something we must keep always. I know it is hard, but it is truly part of what gives us that twinkle in our spirits.

I have settled down a bit about my relationship junk with my sisters. That might be because the baby sister and her mom went back home. Yet I think it is also that there is nothing I can do about it at this time. I know only time will tell how much we are willing to carry out Poppa’s wishes for us to be a family. In the olden days, we probably would all be living together at this point in order to make things meet or work. Well those of us without a husband. We would have to find a way to make things work.

Today is different. In these modern times, we are spread apart. It is easy to remember we have family members, but neglect to contact or nourish those relationships until some type of tradegy sets forth. Regardless, we all have a very long road to walk. I do not look forward to Poppa’s passing. I fear to see the things my heart tells me will come to pass. Its not that I don’t believe we can be a family. Its that I don’t necessarily know that the acceptance among all of us is truly there. It can be that I feel that way because we all just do not know each other well enough at this point. Who knows. This is something I have to sit and wait upon. Then I will need to push myself as well to stay in contact with all of my sisters. I am not good at doing that type of thing.

Cancer is such a viscious disease. Especially this type. Poppa was up splitting wood and mowing the lawn one day and quite literally incapable of doing it again the next. Things have passed so fast. It is like having him ripped from us. The interesting thing is that he is still bigger then life itself with his smile, his wit and his sun shiny personality. Poppa is a great man. He is respected, loved and known. I am honored to be called his daughter and blessed beyond all comprehension that I have three sisters, all of whom love him just as much as I do.

I pray that he gets a good night sleep tonite and wakes up feeling strong, well rested and content with life. I pray that my mom can relax a little bit and be blessed by seeing his improvement day after day. I hope that tomorrow brings an improvement that stuns all of us and that it is one that is lasting.

I feel ike I am stuck in a nightmare that will never end. Yesterday was extremely difficult for me and I just could not manage to pull it together. I was not sure what to do, what to say, who to say it to, how to say it. I couldn’t express how I felt.

My sisters and I met back up in the visitors room at the hospital after lunch. One of them shared with me the note that Poppa wrote. I have to say one of my challenges I was struggling with was wondering if they would consider me family and share that note with me or if they would keep it to themselves. They will never understand that feeling of being the outsider or unaccepted. I read his note and had to choke back the tears. It was bittersweet. It is an awesome request. It is one of his wishes that we stay together as his family in Christ. He does not want us to go our own ways, but instead be strong together, support one another and just be there like he has been there for me.

They gave me a copy of the pictures we took of us four girls together. They are really cute. Boy am I fat!!! O.o We signed the board they were mounted on and his two blood daughters brought the pictures into him. I kinda wish we all could have brought them into him together, but they only allow two visitors at a time. They read him all the cards and I am thankful for that because I couldnt read him the cards I brought from the girls and myself. He had gotten all emotional and started choking up.

Seeing him sit there, hands tied down by his sides, unable to speak. It is killing me. They put a tube in him to pass him nutrients to his stomach yesterday. I know it was necessary. I know he is utterly miserable. This is not how he wants to live. He is going to get very frustrated if he has to stay this way much longer. I hope and pray they can take him off the ventilator and let him sit up and move around. He feels better with some mobility. It would make him feel less helpless.

Undoubtedly, I know I am putting together my paperwork this year for when my time comes. I do not want to experience what he is going through first hand. Just let me pass on if my body can not breathe on its own. I am thankful we have these last moments with him, but it is very painful to look at. There is so much he wants to say and it is lost because he can only write in small bits. He gets exhausted writing all the time.

Well today I go back to work after our scare. Things started but not finished for him, because I need his signatures on things. At this point it doesn’t matter anymore. If he passes I will have to take a slightly different avenue to accomplish the tasks he wants me to do for him. If they get him off of that tube and he can prove he is thinking and in his right mind, which he is and that is what makes this almost insufferable., I will be able to do things the way they are suppose to be done for him. He is concious of everything that is happening to him.

It is time for me to get ready for work and see what craziness there was left for me. Some how any emergencies are no longer emergencies at this point. I am going to have to try and be good.

My nerves are fried at this moment. I want to find a place to be alone and just scream, shout, hit, punch or run until there is nothing left of me to come out. I can’t cry or have any over the board emotions. The girls are with me, as usual. I feel like I am going to explode.

It was overwhelming today. I arrived at the hospital after church. I think this is the first time all four of us girls have been in the same place at the same time. All I could feel was hurt. It was permeating the place.

I feel bad for the feelings I have inside me right now. I am angry, hurt, upset, scared, overwhelmed and at awe. Yesterday I had my five minutes with Poppa and they were awesome. I love that man so very much. Late at night I find out that everyone is overwhelming him with visits that last about twenty minutes. No one is concerned for his need to rest. They are not thinking of the others in his family that would like a little bit of time. Instead they eat him up like little vultures, no care, no compassion in their heart. They are the ones that are hurt. Only they are the ones that are affected. Nothing exists if its not on their radar. It just makes me angry. I want to scream.

Today I get there and I am told that I won’t be able to see Poppa until about five pm. That is okay. Then my youngest sister and my mom go in to see Poppa. I guess they were called in. Mom was still there when I left. That is good, because she needs her time with him and they were robbing her of it without any concious thought of her needs.

Yesterday Poppa had written a note to both my moms (his ex-wife and my mom). I don’t really know what the note states. I have not seen it. I know his ex-wife brought it out to the waiting room and told her daughters she had something to share with them. The three of them went to the mall. I don’t know if she shared it or not. My mom asked me if she shared it with me and when I said no she went a little nuts. She was really upset. That note was suppose to be shared with all of us. Still as of this writing I have not seen it, nor do I know what it says. I am the reject of the family. Sad to say, but true. And I feel that so very much at this moment.

My sisters apparently had a plan, I kinda followed along. Well because their plan included me. They needed to take a picture to show Poppa his four girls together. That kind of stuff just kills me. While they are cute, what is truly the reality of the situation there. He isn’t dumb. He knows. He will smile when he sees the pictures, but he knows. They were all running off to go to lunch together. They did invite me with a “Hey aren’t you coming?” I was like - uh no. Not to be mean, but I really had no idea what they were doing. I have the girls to take care of and I have limited funds for fuel. I have already blown what I normally do for a week in the last four days driving back and forth to the hospital, moms and my place.

They have the ability and the funds to drive all over. It won’t negatively impact anyone in their homes. For me it will negatively impact my kids because its the groceries or the gas. I will do what I have to, but I just can not be driving all over needlessly at this point. I opted instead to go get my things in the waiting room and then go to moms house to take care of a few matters for her and Poppa.

The puppy went out and instead of going potty decided he needed to follow me around the house. He was happy to see me. LOL! Well, this is nice. At least there is someone in the family joyful and excited to see me. I don’t mean to sound like a baby, but it just hurts. I hate feeling like someone’s second class citizen. I think this is why I just opt to say alone. I don’t do the pretend feelings thing very well.

Besides, I have that crazy quirk that I was blessed with where I am around people and pick up on mental images from their emotional states. That is a little unsettling for me at times and moments like this is truly moreso. Its very difficult to look at someone and feel the truth that is contrary to what they speak. It makes me ill.

I don’t know. Maybe I am just overly sensitive today. I do know somewhere in there all of this bothers me. I know Poppa wants us to be a family. I will do anything for him. I love them all, but they scare the hell out of me. It is hard to sit around someone and know without a doubt that your existence to them is meaningless. All I know is I better get a grip on myself and pull it together. I know the translation by all of them is that I don’t want to have anything to do with them. That is further from the truth. However, I can not simply go galavanting about the world as if I didn’t have children to think about. It is not like I can pull a sitter out of thin air. I would love some good quality time with them. I think it would be fun. Unfortunately the timing is wrong and the responsibilities are heavy.

I know none of them are thinking about things that need to be done. Its visit Poppa, run around and have fun. And that is cool. Except, well, at some point can there be a little thought to the little dog sitting at home alone needing to go to the bathroom, needing some attention and love and television time like he used to get with Poppa. That the things in the house need to be taken care of and stuff arranged. You know, if we all showed up at the house and picked one item, everything would be done in five minutes. Crazy you know.

We all just look at things differently and I just need to settle myself down. This is difficult. Far more so then I thought it would be. I wish there was someone I could talk to that walked this road before. Its not just Poppa and the affects of cancer on him. What you do when your father is dying and the family is in crisis? What do you do when you are dealing with blended families and your father is dying and there is an ex-wife, a wife, four daughters, five granddaughters and one grandson? Not only is there being able to cope on our own, but how do you explain this to the children and what happens after he passes?

Will these children never hear about each other again, or see a picture or have a reason to visit? Will they be able to say this is my cousin or will they meet one day as strangers on a street, shake hands and never remember that they had the same grandfather? I wonder, will I see my sisters again?

Life is funny this way. I don’t mean to lack faith, but I do know human nature and the way we were all living before, the only reason we even had to associate together was Poppa. My youngest sister will not really have a reason to come visit or see us if she was passing through. I don’t expect her to do so. Likewise, I am not in her area very often and don’t expect I would either. LOL! I can’t. I don’t know any of her contact information. My sis in TX will call me and call me until I talk to her, but then again, she is my blood sister and knows sometimes this is what you have to do with me. :p My other sis, its hard to say what the outcome of that will be. I really enjoy the limited time I do see her. She makes me smile just by standing there.

As you can see, I am a bottled up mess of confusion, trying to make sense of things. I am not sure how to handle things, what to do and where to go from here. I thank God for His constant love, because at this point in time its God and me. I keep my thoughts away from the family only because right now everyone is tense and going through the same thing. They don’t need my baggage to try to sort with as well. Its complicated. Yet I can hear Poppa’s voice telling me its really simple. Love them, remember them and be vigiliant. Be myself and be constant. I am the least of his girls, but the wisdom and love he has shared with me is a blessing that I can’t compare with anything I have truly ever known.

This father’s day, remember the wisdom these men contain from a lifetime of living before us. Each experience, each mistake, each moment of their lives is summed up in those small slivers of advice given at the most unexpected moments. One day they will not be there to give you those and you won’t hear their voice tell you those familiar words you roll your eyes at. Today I would give my very life to hear his voice, to hold his hand and to have him tell me those words.

I want my father back. I want to hear his voice. I want to see that impish grin, listen to his stories and I will even watch that stupid fishing show. A wonderful hour of Big Fish - Yep, Big Fish. Oooo look at that one. That was a Big Fish. Yep, Big Fish.

I love my sisters, their personalities and style, but they can’t replace Poppa. Thanks for listening and walking through this struggle with me. I know it is disjointed. I know some of it people might say isn’t right, but its honest. Its what I am thinking and feeling and going through at this very moment. This is life today. It is a difficult day.

This is the hat I made this week. I couldn’t really design skins or clothing. I just could not concentrate enough. I was torturing building blocks and this manifested itself. It is simple, but I like it. It can be found on Onrez and slexchange. This item is only available in the Second Life (TM) virtual world at this time.